Saturday, June 4, 2016 - Changes

Condiment of unknown origin and age

11:40 PM - Standing at the kitchen counter, swiping reheated dumplings through unknown sauce from an ancient bag in the crisper; eating with my fingers: ME!

Emptying hooks, walls and cupboards - my home, becoming a house

Outside, my special rocks, stepping stones, five hellebores and ten plants of my choosing have been removed from the garden; they will be orphans until I once again have a place of my own. Inside, boxes are being filled with happy, hopeful, useful things that helped make this house a home.

Gifts on my doorstep

I've been told I'm rigid, resistant to change, but this is not the case - just look at me eating without a fork! I am simply slow to change. But with each box packed my home gradually becomes just a house - and that is making it... slowly... easier to leave. 

Changes are coming - big and small - and I'm starting to feel excitement: it's up to me now, whatever I want to do - even drink my milk straight from the carton!

I still don't know where I'm going, but I've got seven more weeks to get there, and though I'm on my own, I don't have to do it alone. With the help of good people sending me best wishes, rental listings and boxes, it will all get sorted out. 

Dumplings finished, then pasta, an orange, some trail mix and milk (from a cup); packing boxes has left me famished. For the first time in ten months I am hungry - a very good sign.

Another good sign - Photo: Tammy Delaney

May 8, 2016 - Mother's Day

May 9, 2016 - Daughter's Bedroom

May 9, 2016 - Where my son sits; where my daughter used to sleep

May 10, 2016 - Dream Catcher

May 31, 2016 - Everything will be OK

June 4, 2016 - Changes

June 6, 2016 - Craigslist > Free Stuff

May 31, 2016 - Everything Will Be OK

Places to go, people to see, lunches to pack

I have something to tell you about your future when you are ready to hear it. Remind me.

Everything will be OK? It will be even better than before? Kids are resilient? I won't regret this? This too shall pass? Give it two years? When a door closes a window opens? It is a rebirth, not a death - it only feels like it? Every little thing's gonna be alright?

Meh, not exactly... Those statements are way too sweeping.

Of course it will be ok, what's the option...?

It won't be better than before; it will be different - very, very different. It's impossible to compare.

Kids are resilient, but they still hurt too - forever.

As for regret, time will tell. 

This too shall pass - yes, then it will come back around, then pass. Waves - it's like waves.

Give it two years - two!? Please! I've given it 6 - still waiting (some great times in there though). 

When a door closes... doors close. Open another, peek inside, slam it shut, fling it open, leave it shut or reopen it. 

Rebirth not a death - it is a death. Mourn it, grieve it as such; until that is done, there cannot be a rebirth. 

But, yes, every little thing is gonna be alright.

I'll still tell you about something about your future some time, cuz those cliches ain't it! ;)

How will I know when I'm ready?

You will know, Grasshopper.

Sigh. There could be a neon sign flashing in my face, but to understand it I would need to examine it: touch it, smell it, unplug it, plug it back in, consider how I feel about it, listen to it buzz - then stand back and see what has been in front of me all along. That's just how my brain works. It can be exhausting - for me and the people around me; it's amazing no one has strangled me, yet. And it takes. so. long. I guess when they say we all have special needs, it really is true.

Everything will be OK - I have been told this by many people, in a hundred different ways. I'm beginning to know that it's true.

Good question

May 8, 2016 - Mother's Day
May 9, 2016 - Daughter's Bedroom
May 9, 2016 - Where my son sits; where my daughter used to sleep
May 10, 2016 - Dream Catcher
May 31, 2016 - Everything will be OK
June 4, 2016 - Changes
June 6, 2016 - Craigslist > Free Stuff

New Year's Day Wishing - Rhein, Saskatchewan, c.1946: Dad

Uncle Larry?

I wish you health,

I wish you wealth,

I wish you bliss in store.

I wish you heaven after death,

What can I wish you more?

New Year's day we had our cap guns. The rich kids had repeating cap pistols; the poor kids had to put single shot in and you had to reload - bang! Reload - bang! We wanted to go around to the houses with our cap guns and shoot.

Two or three of us would go together. Relatives... I don't remember going to a stranger's house. Direct neighbours and relatives, but at the same time I must have had twenty cousins, uncles and aunts and what-have-you. So it was a pretty good time. We'd fire our cap gun, knock out of respect, say the wish; they'd give money. 

The old-timers we'd give a German wish. I only knew one. It was a little bit on the risque side, something like: I wish you hurry up and give me. I can't stand here too long 'cause I'm crapping in my pant legs. But you didn't say that to serious people.

All we were really wishing is that they would give us some money - and everybody did, depending on their financial condition: a nickel, a quarter. It wasn't a big Get Rich deal; we would spend it on the necessities of life: Cherry Blossom candy bars. Wagon Wheels... they were that big, not like they are today.

Later on: pinball machines, which we played by putting the pinball machine on our toes so the balls wouldn't come down so fast. It upset the whole machine so you could keep your ball in play long enough to get free games. Put your first nickel in and play all afternoon. The result was sore toes and mothers who kept asking how it was that your shoes were all crushed, scuffed and misshapen, and why you were always limping. Those machines were heavy. 

The person in the store didn't care: it was a restaurant; they had it there to attract kids. Which it did.

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